Crazy

No matter how many times I look behind me, there isn't anybody there. Yet why do I feel like there always is?

Just the slightest aproach from someone else will give me the urge to slam a knife in their face, but why?

I'm not one to be influenced so strongly by something that is clearly unrealistic, yet why do I feel so in danger, even though I know I'm not.

Perhaps I wish I was. Perhaps I wish life were interesting that I'd even take the life of a dear friend. Perhaps I'm bored, paranoid, tired even. Who's to say.

Maybe "It's just part of me changing" or do I really suffer through persecutory delusions? maybe I'm just crazy, therefore I'm to think I have something wrong with me, but I do not. Maybe I magically developed a foctional disease, no mater how unlikely that is I still bear that in mind.

Why? What is wrong with me? What is going on? Maybe I'll never know.

But for now...watch out for those white vans.

So Now You Get It.

You think I'm going to help you?

You think I care?

You think I'm going to forgive you for belittiling my troubles?

And save you from yours?

Well you're wrong.

Because now it's your turn.

To become seduced by the temptation's siren call.

To fall into the insatiable pit of hunger and bloodthirst.

To feel the pain.

To suffer.

Just as I did.

Now it is my turn,

to stand by and watch.

Belittling your actions,

your thoughts

and your feelings.

Have Fun.

Ugh...

The frustration of all this, puts me off everything.

I'm searching for a chance to actually be happy when it's not just an act.

And then it comes back at me again. Things that don't concern me.

And yet everyone jumps at me hoping that I'll solve everything.

I've had enough of this.

Enough of doing everything for everyone else.

Enough of this acting being happy.

Enough of going against my grain for someone else.

Whom of which pays none in return.

I've ferried all your troubles, that of which exceeded my vessel.

I've taken all your bullshit as thanks.

My patience is wearing thin,

I cannot take it.

Not with out him.

I don't miss you, but I wish you were here.

I'm envious of your life, yet I don't want to be you.

Without you it's Hell.

And I'm burning within it's flames.

I can't wait 'til it's over, not long to go.

I feel lonely...

Hello? Anyone out there...?

Forgiven

You know that feeling...

The feeling you get when you're sitting in a warm spa pool with the steam licking your face, looking up into the clear midnight sky. The stars making you forget all your worries. And then there's that tingly and relaxing feeling.

That feeling you get when you've been worked until you're half-dead. Then you get the chance to lie down onto a soft matress, letting the blankets cover you in a memorable comfort.

I am permanently feeling that now.

Why?

Could it be because I finally got to a full sleep for the first time in four weeks, or am I too tired to think?

Could it be that I've broken out of my apparent eternal melancholy?

Could it be that I'm excited of my nearing birthday?

Or maybe I just don't care?

Starting from today, I am cleared of everything. No burdens. Starting anew.

One of clear conscience.

And for the first time in a vey very long time I feel....

Forgiven...

Why?

"why?"
Why do the things in our life change so frequently,
without our permission.
Why must everything be in the same order as everyone else.
Why must everyone judge a person because what they're doing or what they look like isn't what they'd define as "normal."
Why is everything the way it is.
Why are we here?
Why must everything appear so boring.
Why did I do the things I did.
Why am I doing them?
And why did this random blog appear out of nowhere when I logged on?
...
...
...Why?

Frowning

You know the feeling when you're about to do something you don't want to do?
And then you get that awful feeling in your stomache?

I am constantly feeling that now.

It could be just that I'm deprived of sleep and/or sugar.

Or is it because I have nothing.

Nothing to do.

Almost all my friends hate me.

I have nothing to look forward to.

All I have are these paranoid thoughts that something bad is going to happen. Something deadly. I realise it's just paranoia but I can't seem to shake them off. In this bored state that I am in I have nothing but to do but think. And when I think I think these thoughts and these thoughts I think make me think of thoughts of death.

Although it's not all bad. I still have a person I can rely on. And he makes all these thoughts that I think seem insignificant.

He is my hero,

my anti-drug,

my best friend,

my only friend,

my brother.

And at the moment he's all I care about. I don't want ANYTHING to happen to him and all I can care about is that he's happy.

I love you nii-sensei. ^:-:^