Forgiven

You know that feeling...

The feeling you get when you're sitting in a warm spa pool with the steam licking your face, looking up into the clear midnight sky. The stars making you forget all your worries. And then there's that tingly and relaxing feeling.

That feeling you get when you've been worked until you're half-dead. Then you get the chance to lie down onto a soft matress, letting the blankets cover you in a memorable comfort.

I am permanently feeling that now.

Why?

Could it be because I finally got to a full sleep for the first time in four weeks, or am I too tired to think?

Could it be that I've broken out of my apparent eternal melancholy?

Could it be that I'm excited of my nearing birthday?

Or maybe I just don't care?

Starting from today, I am cleared of everything. No burdens. Starting anew.

One of clear conscience.

And for the first time in a vey very long time I feel....

Forgiven...

Why?

"why?"
Why do the things in our life change so frequently,
without our permission.
Why must everything be in the same order as everyone else.
Why must everyone judge a person because what they're doing or what they look like isn't what they'd define as "normal."
Why is everything the way it is.
Why are we here?
Why must everything appear so boring.
Why did I do the things I did.
Why am I doing them?
And why did this random blog appear out of nowhere when I logged on?
...
...
...Why?

Frowning

You know the feeling when you're about to do something you don't want to do?
And then you get that awful feeling in your stomache?

I am constantly feeling that now.

It could be just that I'm deprived of sleep and/or sugar.

Or is it because I have nothing.

Nothing to do.

Almost all my friends hate me.

I have nothing to look forward to.

All I have are these paranoid thoughts that something bad is going to happen. Something deadly. I realise it's just paranoia but I can't seem to shake them off. In this bored state that I am in I have nothing but to do but think. And when I think I think these thoughts and these thoughts I think make me think of thoughts of death.

Although it's not all bad. I still have a person I can rely on. And he makes all these thoughts that I think seem insignificant.

He is my hero,

my anti-drug,

my best friend,

my only friend,

my brother.

And at the moment he's all I care about. I don't want ANYTHING to happen to him and all I can care about is that he's happy.

I love you nii-sensei. ^:-:^

I Should Be Happy...

...Then why do I feel so sad?

Strange.

Even though I'm away from it all.
All the hatred, all my worries.
Are gone temporarily.
I know it will return very shortly.

But even in this short break,
I feel something's not quite right.
The feeling that everyone's angry at me somehow.
The feeling I did something I shouldn't.
Even though I didn't.
The feeling that I'm being blocked out, ignored.

The feeling you get when even the most simplest of things seems to harm you.

Is this paranoia?

Or am I just insane?

Perhaps it's both.

Something's not right. And in my current isolation I cannot find out what.