So Now You Get It.

You think I'm going to help you?

You think I care?

You think I'm going to forgive you for belittiling my troubles?

And save you from yours?

Well you're wrong.

Because now it's your turn.

To become seduced by the temptation's siren call.

To fall into the insatiable pit of hunger and bloodthirst.

To feel the pain.

To suffer.

Just as I did.

Now it is my turn,

to stand by and watch.

Belittling your actions,

your thoughts

and your feelings.

Have Fun.

Ugh...

The frustration of all this, puts me off everything.

I'm searching for a chance to actually be happy when it's not just an act.

And then it comes back at me again. Things that don't concern me.

And yet everyone jumps at me hoping that I'll solve everything.

I've had enough of this.

Enough of doing everything for everyone else.

Enough of this acting being happy.

Enough of going against my grain for someone else.

Whom of which pays none in return.

I've ferried all your troubles, that of which exceeded my vessel.

I've taken all your bullshit as thanks.

My patience is wearing thin,

I cannot take it.

Not with out him.

I don't miss you, but I wish you were here.

I'm envious of your life, yet I don't want to be you.

Without you it's Hell.

And I'm burning within it's flames.

I can't wait 'til it's over, not long to go.

I feel lonely...

Hello? Anyone out there...?

Forgiven

You know that feeling...

The feeling you get when you're sitting in a warm spa pool with the steam licking your face, looking up into the clear midnight sky. The stars making you forget all your worries. And then there's that tingly and relaxing feeling.

That feeling you get when you've been worked until you're half-dead. Then you get the chance to lie down onto a soft matress, letting the blankets cover you in a memorable comfort.

I am permanently feeling that now.

Why?

Could it be because I finally got to a full sleep for the first time in four weeks, or am I too tired to think?

Could it be that I've broken out of my apparent eternal melancholy?

Could it be that I'm excited of my nearing birthday?

Or maybe I just don't care?

Starting from today, I am cleared of everything. No burdens. Starting anew.

One of clear conscience.

And for the first time in a vey very long time I feel....

Forgiven...

Why?

"why?"
Why do the things in our life change so frequently,
without our permission.
Why must everything be in the same order as everyone else.
Why must everyone judge a person because what they're doing or what they look like isn't what they'd define as "normal."
Why is everything the way it is.
Why are we here?
Why must everything appear so boring.
Why did I do the things I did.
Why am I doing them?
And why did this random blog appear out of nowhere when I logged on?
...
...
...Why?

Frowning

You know the feeling when you're about to do something you don't want to do?
And then you get that awful feeling in your stomache?

I am constantly feeling that now.

It could be just that I'm deprived of sleep and/or sugar.

Or is it because I have nothing.

Nothing to do.

Almost all my friends hate me.

I have nothing to look forward to.

All I have are these paranoid thoughts that something bad is going to happen. Something deadly. I realise it's just paranoia but I can't seem to shake them off. In this bored state that I am in I have nothing but to do but think. And when I think I think these thoughts and these thoughts I think make me think of thoughts of death.

Although it's not all bad. I still have a person I can rely on. And he makes all these thoughts that I think seem insignificant.

He is my hero,

my anti-drug,

my best friend,

my only friend,

my brother.

And at the moment he's all I care about. I don't want ANYTHING to happen to him and all I can care about is that he's happy.

I love you nii-sensei. ^:-:^

I Should Be Happy...

...Then why do I feel so sad?

Strange.

Even though I'm away from it all.
All the hatred, all my worries.
Are gone temporarily.
I know it will return very shortly.

But even in this short break,
I feel something's not quite right.
The feeling that everyone's angry at me somehow.
The feeling I did something I shouldn't.
Even though I didn't.
The feeling that I'm being blocked out, ignored.

The feeling you get when even the most simplest of things seems to harm you.

Is this paranoia?

Or am I just insane?

Perhaps it's both.

Something's not right. And in my current isolation I cannot find out what.

I'm Nothing But A Useless Emo.

Holidays

You're probably saying:
"Yes! Holidays at last!"
But are holidays really what they're cracked up to be?
People are given heaps of time for them to finally do what they want. But unless you find something new to do you will be bored out of your mind within approximately 4 days.
I myself am a victim of this as well and I'm not the best person to ask for help.

Holidays are highly overrated. Particularly 2 week long ones. Considering the average New Zealand term is about fifty days long, it ultimately outweighs the common end of term holidays which are fourteen days long, leaving thirty-six days left unrested.

Adding together the other three term holidays brings us to 42 days holiday but with 108 days left unrested. (42/108)

But if you add the end of year holidays we get 84/116 days rested. (32 days left)
The end of year holidays also include christmas making them more worth while, but still, even with the end of year holidays we are still somewhat cheated.

Hmmm....I don't think I intended on doing maths. Just goes to show how bored I am.

Subconscious Sadism

Do I have multiple personalities?
Do I secretly enjoy other's pain?
Am I insane enough to cause another harm even if it were to hurt me in the process?
The answer is yes.
Though I hate it to be true, I have thought about it and I do.
I am driving myself crazy.
How else could it explain my habit of laughing after hearing that someone had died?
Why else would I make a problem, get someone to help me and and turn it back onto them, ruining their life?
There is no other explanation, I am insane and I have no choice to accept it.
But then again, does it matter?
Everyone is insane, it's those who admit it does it make them different from the others.

My Nii-San.

Call me gay. Call me a freak. I really don't care.
I am happy as long as my brother is there.

He's the greatest guy I've ever met. Enough said, or is it?
There are limitless things to say about my brother. Many I can't explain.
He's the only person I share my troubles with, I could find another person to dump my worthless life on. Yet he insists he's okay.
Though I feel so close to him, he seems far away.
I wish I could help you nii-sensei, why must I trouble you?
I'm sorry nii-sensei. If only I cold sum up how much I care.
To repay the favours and the times you've been there.
In this life I've fallen into traps and known traitors.
So now you're all I can trust,
my first priority,
I'll see everyone else later.
I love you big brother, please don't go away.
I'd dedicate my life to you just so you would stay.
I'm sorry for annoying you.
Wasting the time in your day.
I'm just a lifeless zombie.
Feeding off other's dismay.
You're better than me,
in every single way.

You're pure awesomeness and I love you nii-sensei, I don't know quite how you took a liking to me.
For I do not deserve to know to know someone as awesome as you.
^:-:^

Blog is a funny word...Blog.

Ummm...is this thing on?

Hate me?
Despise me?
Envy me?
Wish to detest, attack or kill me?
Who doesn't?
Please forgive me for I know not what I do.
Think I've got in n for you?
Join the club, just as long as you know Im sorry.
If I could say it to your face I would, but even that may never help.
I've caused you pain and used for my own gain.
Pretended to help only to rub it in.
Every little thing that I have done please know that before i start this blog.

I am sorry.